Too Bad America Stinks At Soccer (I Mean Football)

Every few years the soccer fans come out of hiding in America.
We don’t know where they hibernate when they aren’t around.
I bet they watch cricket! (which isn’t even a real sport!)
It is a bug!
These fans aren’t afraid of liking a sport that most here would put behind hockey in terms of its appeal.
They like soccer so much that they root…
For teams for other countries.
That’s right.
They are devoted.
And we have no good players.
And they don’t mind hearing all the nonsense that ignorant fans like myself would ask.
“Is it soccer?
Is it football?
Who is winning again?
The red team or the blue team?
Oh this is a club match and that other thing was a international tournament.
Well, if you say so.”
These fans are desperate with their love for soccer.
They love America.
How could they not?
We have George Washington, the flag, and cheeseburgers for a dollar.
What isn’t to like about America?
Oh, yeah.
That soccer team.
They suck.
Well, no, I should correct myself, they don’t suck.
They just aren’t going to win a title anytime soon.
They are pretenders.
Too bad.
These fans want to root for America.
To show people like me, that soccer is fun to watch.
That it is the real football.
But how can they, when their team is never taken seriously?
I am pulling for you America.
Not because of your freedom or democracy or your anthems,
But because your soccer fans need to have something to be proud of in their sport.
These fans can’t go around wearing jerseys of teams I don’t know even exist forever.
Come on America!
Give the fans a chance to root for a title.
Soccer is ready to blow up here, but how can it if we aren’t even good at it?

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